They Could Have Been A Bit Like The Beatles: Bros 'Madly In Love'

5. Bros 'Madly In Love'

Sing This All Together (See What Happens): The big teenybop sensation of the day, who had a million impressionable teenage girls unhealthily affixing lager bottle tops to their shoes and developing an equally unhealthy fixation with Hitler Youth haircuts, Bros were hated like few teenybop sensations before or since, much pilloried by every publication from Viz to Record Mirror (who once ran a 'Draw A Moustache On Bros' competition). Having dispensed with bassist Craig Logan and apparently the lion's share of their at-least-commercially-sound songwriting ability, pop's top twins Matt and Luke Goss were keen to establish their credentials as 'serious' musicians, and this inevitably involved going a bit 'sixties'. FOUR POINTS.

Brought His Mellotrode And Freaked 'Em All Out: While Bros were the only act in this contest to have adopted one of the major psychedelic tropes - namely taking one existing song (in this case, aptly-titled pseudo hard-rocker Too Much) and reshaping it as another in a sort of 'Part 2' gambit - they seem to have decided that was more than enough in the way of far out-ness. There's one of those backwards fade-in intros, a smattering of wah-wah guitar and tape loop backing vocals, and... well, nothing else really. At a push you could say it was attempting to ape new-fangled 'Acid House' psychedelia, but it doesn't even do that very well. TWO POINTS.

On The Bus Or Off The Bus?: Just your standard English-as-a-foreign-language-greetings-card love song lyrics, of the sort that would have any girl with her wits about her running a mile. Absolutely nothing worth even joking about here. NO POINTS.

The Green And Purple Lights Affect Your Sight: Just when it was looking so grim for The Brothers Grim, the video is a full-on visual assault filled with floating peace and love iconography, 'time tunnel' effects, colour washes, hand-fired 'energy bolts', scary Goss Arm mandalas and priceless shots of them dancing on a rotating flower. Great stuff! NINE POINTS.

I'm Picking Up Bad Vibrations: Bros were well and truly done for career-wise by the time Madly In Love stalled at a record company-worrying number 14, as their fanbase had all but disappeared under the startling onslaught of New Kids On The Block. You kind of get the feeling they may come a poor second to Jordan and company in this here competition too. THREE POINTS.

Ha Ha Ha... We Blew Your Mind!: Bros really do deserve some grudging respect as possibly the last successful 'boy band' ever to actually bother at least having a go at writing their own songs and playing their own instruments, but while Craig Logan would later put his knack for a commercial hook to impressively good use as a massively successful producer, songwriter and A&R man, Matt and Luke never quite did manage to impress the musos while also appealing to teenage girls, their only other notable moment coming with 1991's demented eco-gospel silliness Try, by which time they were all but finished. ONE POINT, which adds up in Grolsch bottle tops to a paltry NINETEEN POINTS.

Next Time - step into the twilight world with Swing Out Sister (though the song's not Twilight World, erm...)